The Sylvester & Snape Wedding
by akane47
Summary: Seriously AU . The newlyweds survey their wedding reception, and snark ensues.


**Disclaimer:** The characters of _Glee_ belong to Ryan Murphy, the Harry Potter-verse to JK Rowling, and the Spotted Stinkegg Grackle to my friend shellebelle.

**THE SYLVESTER-SNAPE WEDDING**

Sue Sylvester-Snape eyed her husband of barely three hours with obvious distaste. "I thought the _bride_ was supposed to wear the dress," she drawled.

Severus Snape looked down his long, hooked nose at his new bride, his black eyes snapping. "For the umpteenth time, woman, these are _robes_, not a dress! And if the bride is supposed to wear the dress," he went on, "may I ask why _you_ aren't wearing a proper wedding gown?"

Sue looked down at her tracksuit, which that day was a pristine white with silver piping in honor of the occasion. "Someone has to wear the pants in this marriage," she said. "In fact, someone has to wear the pants in this _family_." She nodded towards the wizards in their formal dress robes dotting the groom's side of the vast banquet-hall. "I thought men wore skirts only in Wales."

"That is in Scotland," Severus bit out, "and they are called _kilts_."

"Whatever you call it, it looks revolting." She looked disapproving as a pair of stocky, red-haired specimens wearing the offending garments poured something into the punch bowl. The demons snickered as the bowl's contents bubbled, smoked and turned a violent shade of magenta.

"Since we are on the subject of family," he said, "how in Merlin's name did you manage to amass such a motley crew of relatives?"

Sue's disdainful glance traveled to the bride's side of the hall. "Those aren't my relatives. The only family I have here is my sister, Jeannie, who is sitting right over there."

Severus looked at the placid-faced woman seated at one table, enjoying a piece of wedding cake under the watchful eye of a companion. Something in his new bride's tone of voice made it clear that he was not to talk about her family. However... "The rest are fair game?"

He gazed at the freakishly tall young man who seemed to be engaged in an eating competition with the youngest Weasley boy. Across the table sat a dark-haired girl having a shrill argument with Granger, probably about some Muggle nonsense. The pair occasionally interrupted themselves with reminders to their respective partners to eat like human beings... reminders that were, of course, blithely ignored. They were but two of the strange characters whom Susan had brought to the wedding.

"Yes."

"Well, then... who is that man with the hair that looks like a Spotted Stinkegg Grackle's nest?"

"What in the world is a Spotted Stinkegg Grackle?"

"Little birds that lay small, sulfurous eggs," Severus explained. "Excellent for potions that address certain... wizardly needs." Needs that he naturally didn't have; everything was still in working order, thank you very much.

Sue's thin lips curved in a slight smile. "That's William Schuester, a co-worker. He's the one in charge of the miscreants who sang during the ceremony."

"What an unfortunate hairstyle," he remarked. "Almost as unfortunate as that on another one in your entourage." Severus nodded towards him, a tanned young man whose head was completely shaved except for a strip of dark hair running down his skull. Said young man was walking hand-in-hand with a visibly pregnant blonde, and something about their carriage suggested that they were up to no good. "Where in Merlin's name are they going?"

"Probably off to find an empty broom closet somewhere. Don't worry, she's already pregnant; he can't get her into any more trouble."

"Is it his child?"

"I haven't the faintest idea."

Suddenly, applause broke out and the couple turned in time to see another of Sue's guests, a bespectacled boy in a wheelchair, execute a few tricks with his wheeled conveyance. "If he falls and breaks his head, you are cleaning up the mess," Severus said. "This is a thousand-year-old castle."

"Don't you have some kind of magic spell for that?"

He looked down his nose at Sue again. "Yes, but I prefer not to abuse my powers. Over-reliance on spells can make an otherwise able-bodied wizard... lazy."

Sue gave her husband a long look. "I think he'll be fine. What do you say we get out of here?"

"My office is right downstairs."


End file.
